Asshole of the Month: Mark Souder
You remember Mark Souder, don’t you? He’s that Indiana Republican who resigned from the House of Representatives when it was revealed he’d had an extramarital affair with Tracy Meadows Jackson, a married staffer. This came as a big surprise because, according to those who knew Souder best, the evangelical Christian and champion of family values once bragged that he was working in Congress to change the “moral direction” of our country. Interesting strategy.
Souder, 60, who voted for a ban on partialbirth abortions, is a big proponent of abstinence for unwed people. Sex, he maintains, should be confined to marriage. He just hasn’t said whose marriage. Apparently not his. Or hers.
The most ironic thing about the affair was the videotape Souder made, in which Ms. Jackson lobs softball questions at her boss so he could extol the virtues of abstinence. The first thing we noticed when watching the video was that Ms. Jackson is superhot! And that Souder has the face of a horse that’s been thrown off the Empire State Building.
It’s not hard to imagine what Souder was thinking when he decided to cheat on Diane, his wife of 36 years. “This could cost me my career,” the two-timer must have reckoned. “But just look at that staffer of mine, and look at me. I’ll never get a chance like this again. Fuck my career!”
It is, however, hard to imagine what Ms. Jackson was thinking. Even with possible daddy issues, she couldn’t possibly have been attracted to Souder physically. So what does that leave? His intellect? Get real! Souder has a brain the size of a neutrino.
Just look at Souder’s record in Congress: He voted against repealing tax cuts on oil companies, against modifying bankruptcy rules to avoid mortgage foreclosures, against the jobs stimulus package, against prohibiting job discrimination based on sexual orientation, against increasing the minimum wage and against domestic partnership benefits.
In regard to that last item, Souder argued the bill would undercut the “values of traditional marriage” that “we have always paid tribute to.” By “paid tribute to” we assume he meant banging another man’s wife. (Actually, when you think about it, adultery and lying have become staples of the traditional marriage.)
Of course, there is one possible reason Ms. Jackson might have decided to have sex with the old fart bag: Souder reportedly paid more than $76,000 for her (ahem) services plus $10,000 in travel reimbursements. Say what you want about this God-fearing Christian, at least he never considered going to a prostitute!
Getting back to Souder’s Congressional record, the antiworker, anti-environment and pro-business member of the House earned another black mark: He voted to end the moratorium on offshore oil drilling and against mandating that oil companies pay a fee for the right to extract oil from the Gulf of Mexico. So in a very real sense the Gulf catastrophe lands at his feet (among others’). Souder’s kind of thinking has cost taxpayers billions of dollars and a devastated environment. If someone had asked us, we would have suggested shoving Souder down BP’s well to stop the gushing oil.
Interestingly enough, when Souder resigned, he announced, “In this poisonous environment of Washington, D.C., any personal failing is seized upon, often twisted, for political gain. I’m resigning rather than put my family through that painful, drawn-out process.” So if we understand Souder correctly, he quit solely to protect his family from the media, not because he failed to keep his pants zipped.
A few weeks after uttering the foregoing gem, Souder recalibrated a tad, saying he had always planned to leave office even though he’d just survived a blistering primary. So what about the malarkey that he stepped down to protect his family? Was he lying then? Or now? It has to be one of them.
In no way do we disparage Souder for nailing Tracy Meadows Jackson. That’s what men do, given the opportunity. Instead, we disparage him for being a hypocrite who strutted around Capitol Hill and his home turf as if he and God regularly chewed the fat at the local sports bar. God: “What’s shakin’, Mark? How do you like that hot chick I fixed you up with?” Souder: “She’s terrific, Lord. Great tits!” God: “I made ’em myself.”
We take smug satisfaction in knowing this Asshole’s life now lies in ruins. Wherever Souder goes, everyone will see him for what he is: a lying, hypocritical adulterer who humiliated his own wife and Ms. Jackson’s husband. As for his political career, Souder will be lucky if he can get elected as a representative of Sin City. Fuck you, Souder! You’re just one more Christian hypocrite.
(Note to Diane Souder:We went out of our way to mention you by name in this commentary so you’d be able to use that against your husband the next time you’re screaming at him about his infidelity. You know, as in “It’s because of you that my name appeared in that horrible porn magazine!” Use our gift wisely.)
Asshole of the Month
September 2nd, 2010Mike Huckabee – What can we say about a guy who fries squirrels?
Pope Benedict
August 19th, 2010A point of clarification: Self-gratification is a sin, but engaging in oral sex with a child isn’t?
Bradley Schhlozman
May 18th, 2010This political hack took nasty, elitist partisanship to a new level.
John Boehner
May 18th, 2010John Boehner (we pronounce it Boner ) couldn’t care less about his country or the American people. The Ohio congressman’s only concerns are his power base.
Alexia Kelly
May 18th, 2010As founder of Catholics in Alliance for the Common Good (CACG), Kelley is not just antiabortion but also anti-contraception.
Michele Bachmann
May 18th, 2010There are breadsticks with a higher IQ than Congresswoman Michele Bachmann
Tom Coburn
May 18th, 2010Coburn, you disgusting pus ball: This woman’s husband has health insurance. He’s probably been paying premiums for years. But now, when he needs insurance the most, it’s being withheld
Joe Lieberman
May 17th, 2010What the heck was Al Gore thinking when he ran for President in 2000? Joe Lieberman for V.P.?
Dick Armey
May 17th, 2010What can you say about Dick Armey? Here’s a piece-of shit Republican who probably flushed his soul down a toilet bowl when he was still a kid in North Dakota.
Glenn Beck
May 17th, 2010Is he insane, stupid or just a clever cynic manipulating the public in pursuit of a buck? We think that Glenn Beck, who hosts a syndicated radio talk show and a televised counterpart on Fox News, is all three.
Joe Wilson
May 13th, 2010“You lie!” shouted South Carolina’s Joe Wilson as President Barack Obama addressed a joint session of Congress. The liar, however, was Representative Wilson.
Liz Cheney
May 12th, 2010Just as an apple doesn’t fall far from the tree, a turd doesn’t fall far from the asshole. Liz Cheney, the oldest daughter of former VP Dick Cheney, is living proof of this maxim.
