Asshole of the Month: Mark Souder

You remember Mark Souder, don’t you? He’s that Indiana Republican who resigned from the House of Representatives when it was revealed he’d had an extramarital affair with Tracy Meadows Jackson, a married staffer. This came as a big surprise because, according to those who knew Souder best, the evangelical Christian and champion of family values once bragged that he was working in Congress to change the “moral direction” of our country. Interesting strategy.

Souder, 60, who voted for a ban on partialbirth abortions, is a big proponent of abstinence for unwed people. Sex, he maintains, should be confined to marriage. He just hasn’t said whose marriage. Apparently not his. Or hers.

The most ironic thing about the affair was the videotape Souder made, in which Ms. Jackson lobs softball questions at her boss so he could extol the virtues of abstinence. The first thing we noticed when watching the video was that Ms. Jackson is superhot! And that Souder has the face of a horse that’s been thrown off the Empire State Building.

It’s not hard to imagine what Souder was thinking when he decided to cheat on Diane, his wife of 36 years. “This could cost me my career,” the two-timer must have reckoned. “But just look at that staffer of mine, and look at me. I’ll never get a chance like this again. Fuck my career!”

It is, however, hard to imagine what Ms. Jackson was thinking. Even with possible daddy issues, she couldn’t possibly have been attracted to Souder physically. So what does that leave? His intellect? Get real! Souder has a brain the size of a neutrino.

Just look at Souder’s record in Congress: He voted against repealing tax cuts on oil companies, against modifying bankruptcy rules to avoid mortgage foreclosures, against the jobs stimulus package, against prohibiting job discrimination based on sexual orientation, against increasing the minimum wage and against domestic partnership benefits.

In regard to that last item, Souder argued the bill would undercut the “values of traditional marriage” that “we have always paid tribute to.” By “paid tribute to” we assume he meant banging another man’s wife. (Actually, when you think about it, adultery and lying have become staples of the traditional marriage.)

Of course, there is one possible reason Ms. Jackson might have decided to have sex with the old fart bag: Souder reportedly paid more than $76,000 for her (ahem) services plus $10,000 in travel reimbursements. Say what you want about this God-fearing Christian, at least he never considered going to a prostitute!

Getting back to Souder’s Congressional record, the antiworker, anti-environment and pro-business member of the House earned another black mark: He voted to end the moratorium on offshore oil drilling and against mandating that oil companies pay a fee for the right to extract oil from the Gulf of Mexico. So in a very real sense the Gulf catastrophe lands at his feet (among others’). Souder’s kind of thinking has cost taxpayers billions of dollars and a devastated environment. If someone had asked us, we would have suggested shoving Souder down BP’s well to stop the gushing oil.

Interestingly enough, when Souder resigned, he announced, “In this poisonous environment of Washington, D.C., any personal failing is seized upon, often twisted, for political gain. I’m resigning rather than put my family through that painful, drawn-out process.” So if we understand Souder correctly, he quit solely to protect his family from the media, not because he failed to keep his pants zipped.

A few weeks after uttering the foregoing gem, Souder recalibrated a tad, saying he had always planned to leave office even though he’d just survived a blistering primary. So what about the malarkey that he stepped down to protect his family? Was he lying then? Or now? It has to be one of them.

In no way do we disparage Souder for nailing Tracy Meadows Jackson. That’s what men do, given the opportunity. Instead, we disparage him for being a hypocrite who strutted around Capitol Hill and his home turf as if he and God regularly chewed the fat at the local sports bar. God: “What’s shakin’, Mark? How do you like that hot chick I fixed you up with?” Souder: “She’s terrific, Lord. Great tits!” God: “I made ’em myself.”

We take smug satisfaction in knowing this Asshole’s life now lies in ruins. Wherever Souder goes, everyone will see him for what he is: a lying, hypocritical adulterer who humiliated his own wife and Ms. Jackson’s husband. As for his political career, Souder will be lucky if he can get elected as a representative of Sin City. Fuck you, Souder! You’re just one more Christian hypocrite.

(Note to Diane Souder:We went out of our way to mention you by name in this commentary so you’d be able to use that against your husband the next time you’re screaming at him about his infidelity. You know, as in “It’s because of you that my name appeared in that horrible porn magazine!” Use our gift wisely.)