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The Schtupford Wives

What does the present market offer in the way of artificial bed partners? Way back in 1927, Germany gave the world Metropolis, a classic sci-fi film featuring an alluring robotrix. Now it’s home to a pioneering company called First Androids, whose mysterious, anonymous founder and mastermind— known simply as the Creator—has concocted a variety of lifelike sex dolls for the masses. Loly, Andy and Leona are just three of First Androids’ most popular dolls and can be personally customized to various specifications. For instance, Loly’s breasts are available in any cup size from AA to DD. Her basic cost is about $5,960; accoutrements such as real hair and silicon teeth cost extra.

With three entrances, each of the android lovers accommodates oral, vaginal and anal sex. A vaginal sensor even triggers lubrication, but the Creator has even more tricks up his sleeve. Thanks to state-of-the-art technology, some of his androids can be upgraded to provide movement during sexual activities. Each android is fitted with a hymen (sorry, one use only, just like a real-life virgin), but extras include an “infinitely variable” blowjob system ($1,250), remote-controlled eyes ($1,650 per orb) and a functional G-spot that causes the android to “moan, groan and sigh” ($3,900). As you can see, the extras add up faster than at a Lexus dealer.

No matter what your kink, First Androids is up to the task. For an extra $250, there’s “pressure-released urination.” (Hey, substitute apple juice, guzzle it in front of your friends and watch the reaction!) Another attribute is “artificial milk glands” for $980 per teat (no explanation necessary), but the ominous “installation of stronger engines for the jaw (torture)” is still classified as “in preparation.” These babes are also highly durable. The Creator perversely sent the cute brunette Andy up in a paraglider, which promptly plunged to earth, leaving her with only minor injuries and no trauma whatsoever. So durability shouldn’t deter you if you want to add a tattoo or some wild piercings. Andy can even be made to sigh. (As well she might, after plummeting half a mile.)

If your finances won’t stretch to the upper end of the market, there is a more economical way to satisfy your lustful cravings. Why not go for the body part that most interests you? For a mere $4,095, First Androids now offers female torsos that can be specially lubricated to provide a more satisfying experience—or so the manufacturer claims. Okay, it may not be the complete woman your heart desires, but she’s a lot easier to store, doesn’t bitch about her period and fits under your arm to haul around on those lonely nights away from home. And pay no attention to the expressions on the faces of the night clerk and the bellboy. They’re just jealous seeing you in the company of the Perfect Woman. For more info, head to First-Androids.org.

J.S.

Photo Credit: First-Androids

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