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Stimulating Internship
My summer internship revolved around sex, and I worked hard at it. Far from the Northwestern University campus near Chicago, in a cubicle buried within a New York City magazine publisher’s offices, I spent a couple of days a week for two sweltering months picking out hot scenes from erotic novels and provocative photo-features from nonfiction books. As an intern, it was my job to examine dozens of tomes submitted for publicity or review, then decide whether they were “sexy enough” for further consideration by the editors. Sexy enough? Some of this stuff left me shocked, like I-didn’t-know-the-humanbody- was-capable-of-that shocked. And the erotic scenes I came across were so explicit, I spent days in a permanent blush. In one novel I couldn’t find a single page that did not involve the anus, a dildo or both. And I looked…carefully.
Which I suppose is totally cool, if that’s what you’re into. I can’t describe the hundreds of how-to picture books I perused, endlessly turning pages sideways and upside-down, leaving me perplexed at how anyone got into these positions…or why. I briefly considered a second summer internship to put these bewildering maneuvers into practice, but I was never great at gymnastics. I’ve felt selfish hoarding knowledge that would make me a one-woman institute of sexual prowess and advice. Since I can only spread the word so far on a one-to-one level (and, in truth, how many women want to discuss anuses and dildos over a sandwich on the quad?), I figured I’d better publish my discoveries in a popular, sexually oriented magazine. Did you know that there are numerous ways for administering handjobs? I know what you’re thinking: Who gets a guy off with her fist? Until recently I think my only handjob had been in the eighth grade. But apparently there are 25 specific methods, including the “Girl Scout,” i.e., rubbing your hands up and down the shaft as if you’re kindling a fire. Yes, the techniques actually have names. Handjobs may be soooo middle school, but I really doubt any guy will complain. Girls, you can thank me later.
For you premed students: Dr. Alfred Kinsey, the researcher whose body of work forms the basis of Human Sexuality classes across the country, just about claimed that sex is good for whatever ails you. Does this mean you should get it on instead of reaching for the Advil? Maybe. Taken to the extreme, this idea justifies masochism, assuming your orgasms are so magical that you can hardly feel the cigarette your sadistic lover is burning into your nipple. File that under “Thanks, but I’ll pass.” Then there’s this depressing tidbit: The average sex act lasts only three to 13 minutes. No worries. Not everyone is blessed with groin-straining, three-hour endurance. Just own up to your easy orgasm, enjoy, then prepare for round two.
Here’s breaking news for guys who slept through Biology 101: If you think you’re transporting your lady to orgasmic spasmland every time you romp, you’re probably wrong. Only about 30% of women consistently achieve orgasm during penetration. I can imagine Northwestern frat boys are convinced that their ham-handed clitoral stimulation during reverse-cowgirl athletics must have an incredible effect on their bedmates. I apologize for any bruised egos, but there’s a 70% chance she was faking it, and you didn’t notice. Another book listed 101 places to have sex before you die. Some were dreadfully mundane: the beach, a wedding, a corn maze. I mean, who hasn’t? But number 71: sex in a cemetery. Oh, yeah, Thanatos and Eros at midnight. Hot! Oh, and next time your girl refuses to give you head because she’s not sure how many Weight Watchers points are in one serving of cum, assure her that your seed is low-cal. A male’s average ejaculation contains around 300 million sperm, but you can binge on all that for just five calories! Move over, Wheaties; jism is the real Breakfast of Champions. (I wonder how they figure this stuff out? Does Kirstie Alley know this secret?)
I hope some of these tidbits liven up your life, whether or not you’re a college student like myself. The dietary information certainly changed mine. Who knew that my daily 1500-calorie diet could be made up of a mere 300 blowjobs? Hypothetically, of course….
Moira Lawler is a third-year journalism major at Northwestern University in Evanston, Illinois. Attention college
Moira Lawler
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