“If I could do that, Wanda, you would be history!”
“We named him Candy. We wanted a name that was consistent with our religious beliefs.”
“Personally I’d go with the .22 caliber. It’s just less messy, you know…”
Bits & Pieces
Sex Work Is Work!
While shooting the shit, a young man told his new friend, “I think my wife is cheating on me.”
“What gave you that idea?” the other guy asked.
“We moved from New York to L.A. and still have the same deliver boy.”
Chet went to his doctor’s office to get a double dose of Viagra, but the doc told him that he couldn’t allow a double dose. “Why not?” Chet snarled.
“Because it’s not safe,” the doctor cautioned.
“But I need it really bad,” Chet insisted.
“Why do you need a double dose so badly?” the doctor wanted to know.
“My girlfriend is coming into town on Friday,” Chet explained, “my ex-wife is coming home on Saturday, and my wife is coming home on Sunday. Can’t you see? I must have a double dose.”
Finally relenting, the doctor said, “Okay, I’ll give it to you, but you have to come in on Monday morning so I can check to see if there were any side effects.”
On Monday morning, Chet—his right arm in a sling—dragged himself back to the doctor’s office. “What happened to you?” the doc wondered.
Chet exclaimed, “No one showed up!”
A married man stepped into a confessional booth one Saturday afternoon.
“Father, it has been a month since my last confession,” he admitted, “and I had sex with Nookie Green twice since then.”
The priest told the sinner, “You are forgiven. Go and say three Hail Marys.”
A few minutes later another married guy entered the confessional. “Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I’ve had sex with Nookie Green twice a week for the past two months.”
“Who, my son, is this Nookie Green?” the priest inquired.
“A new woman in the neighborhood,” the sinner replied.
“Very well,” the priest sighed. “Go and say ten Hail Marys.”
At Mass the next morning, as the priest prepared to deliver his sermon, a tall, voluptuous, drop-dead-gorgeous redhead entered the sanctuary. The eyes of every male in the church fell upon her as she sashayed up the aisle and sat down right in front of the priest. Her dress was emerald green and very short, and she wore shiny, emerald green shoes.
The priest and altar boy gasped as the beauty sat down, her legs spread slightly apart, but just enough to reveal that she wasn’t wearing panties. Turning to the altar boy, the priest whispered, “Is that Nookie Green?”
The altar boy couldn’t believe his ears, but managed to whisper, “No, Father. I think it’s just a reflection from her shoes.”
A senior citizen took his wife to be tested. Two days later he got a call from the doctor. “I’m sorry to inform you that your wife’s test results were mixed up with another patient’s,” the doctor said. “We’re not sure if she has COVID-19 or Alzheimer’s disease.”
“So what am I supposed to do?” the geezer asked.
“Take your wife for a long walk and leave her,” the doctor advised. “If she finds her way home, don’t open the door.”
A big-time executive came home and said to his wife, “I’ve been so busy, I don’t know if I’m coming or going.”
The missus told him, “By the look on your face, you’re going. When you’re coming, you look like a stroke victim trying to whistle.”
A middle-aged man and his perpetually nagging wife went to Israel for a vacation. While in Jerusalem the woman suddenly died. The undertaker told the husband, “You can have her buried here in the Holy Land for $150, or we can have her body shipped home for $5,000.”
The husband thought things over and said, “You can ship her home.”
The bewildered undertaker asked, “Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife’s body back home when she could have a beautiful burial here, and it would cost only $150?”
“Long ago,” the husband replied, “a man died here in Jerusalem, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can’t take that chance with my wife.”
Just as a dentist leaned over a female patient to begin working on a tooth, he was startled.
“Excuse me, miss,” he gasped, “but those are my testicles you’re holding.”
“I know,” the gal replied sweetly. “So let’s be careful not to hurt each other, okay?”
For the topic of his Sunday sermon a minister chose creation. “Man came first,” he began.
Suddenly a woman at the back of the church shouted out, “Some things never fuckin’ change!”